


A Walk In The Forest Of The Feds

by Name_Pending



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Crying Castiel, Dean Cares About Castiel, Dean Talks About Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilty Dean, Hurt Castiel, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Pre-Castiel/Dean Winchester, Season/Series 12, Stop Hurting Cas 2k17, Winchesters Making Deals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 16:24:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12536036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Name_Pending/pseuds/Name_Pending
Summary: After Castiel killed Billie, he gave the Winchesters a piece of his mind, and then he needed some space.Dean followed his friend into the forest, but he couldn't stay mad at the angel. Castiel deserved better from him.





	A Walk In The Forest Of The Feds

“You mean too much to me. To everything. Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal, and I broke it.” Castiel’s face was hard and open. “You’re welcome.”

The angel’s words were met with silence, none of the Winchesters knowing how to respond. Castiel glanced at both Sam and Mary, held Dean’s still stunned gaze for a few seconds, and then turned sharply and wandered off.

The trio of hunters watched as the angel disappeared into the forest, only Mary glancing away to observe Billie’s lifeless body. Her eyes lingered there - _that could have been me_ \- and by the time she looked up her boys were awkwardly shuffling, intermittently meeting each other’s eyes.

Nobody spoke for a few moments, but the silence was oppressive. After six weeks in solitary confinement, Sam and Dean were used to the silence, but Mary soon found it intolerable.

“We should get going” she said quietly, glancing at each of them. “Those guys will have backup on our tail by now.”

Maybe the British Men of Letters would hold them off. Maybe not. They should get moving either way.

Mary observed the way her sons glanced at one another, a silent conversation passing between them, and she had to bite her lip as it hit her that she had come so, so close to losing one of them. If she and Castiel had been just a half hour later, they’d have been too late to stop Billie from reaping one of her boys.

God, she owed the angel. Where was he?

Sam looked over at her and attempted a smile, though it didn’t hide the naked concern. “You’re right. C’mon, let’s get in the car.”

“What about Castiel?”

“I got him.” Dean’s voice was hard, and now that Mary looked more closely at him she could see that her eldest looked downright pissed. “Wait in the car.”

Sam frowned at his brother - Mary got the impression that he’d have said something if she wasn’t around - but nodded nonetheless, and opened one arm to guide her back to the car.

Mary slid into the driver’s seat, her younger son taking the seat next to her. The car was quiet for a few moments as the two watched Dean follow the angel’s path into the forest.

Mary’s hand reached out for Sam’s as she watched her son disappear into the trees, the darkness making it impossible to see any further than a couple of feet into the wilderness. Sam said nothing as he took her hand but she could feel his trembling, and she wondered if it was dying adrenaline or just shock at what their friend had said.

She wanted to ask Sam if he was okay. She wanted to talk to him about what Castiel had said. But one quick glance at Sam’s weary face told her not to say anything; he looked so drained, and her questions could wait until he’d gotten some proper sleep.

So she just held onto him, offering nothing more than a nod in response when he said that Dean wouldn’t be long.

 

/

 

In the forest, Dean impatiently willed his eyes to adjust to the darkness. With the cover of the trees it was a fair bit darker, and he’d had more than enough of stumbling over roots and slippery leaves for one night.

He’d have liked to just go back and wait in the car with his mother and brother, but he knew there wasn’t time for that. Cas didn’t seem to have brought his own car, and they couldn’t linger around here until he bothered to come back. Those FBI goons would call for help soon enough, and none of them could be around when they arrived. He wasn’t about to leave the angel out here on his own, though.

Especially not in the state he was in.

Dean couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Cas like that, with his voice breaking and his emotions completely out in the open. He hadn’t cried, but Dean had been convinced that he was about to; he wasn’t sure what the hell he’d have done if Cas had broken down in front of them any more than he already had.

Still, he hadn’t missed the anger or the hurt in his friend’s face. He’d not missed the unshed tears, either, and he hoped that Cas hadn’t wandered off because he didn’t want to cry in front of them. If the guy needed a moment to calm down that was fine, but Dean didn’t want to find him in an even worse state than he’d left them.

Dean was worried about Cas, but dammit, he was pissed as well. ‘Cosmic consequences’ didn’t sound like Billie was messing around, and he seriously doubted they’d die with her. Cas had saved his mom, had saved him - because it would’ve been him; there was no way she was taking Sammy - and he was grateful for that, he honestly was.

But it didn’t change that they would now have to deal with the fallout.

Anger and guilt and a little bit of desperation simmered inside the hunter as he followed the path he knew Cas had taken. The angel wasn’t difficult to track when he wasn’t trying to hide - at least this wasn’t going to turn into a short version of hunting high and low for Cas in Purgatory.

Dean might’ve shouted for the angel, but it didn’t feel right somehow. Besides, he knew that Cas wouldn’t have gone far.

Sure enough, he didn’t have to go too far into the woods before he found the angel, sat on what had to be a somewhat damp and cold log on the forest floor. Cas had his head in his hands, and even in the dim moonlight he looked incredibly tense.

Dean stopped a couple of feet away from his friend. “Hey, Cas.”

“Dean.”

The hunter sighed at the angel’s tone; it was cold and unforgiving, and Dean knew this could be one hell of an awkward conversation.

“C’mon. We gotta get out of here before the feds call in the rest of the troops.”

“I’ll be fine here, Dean.”

“No you won’t.” Dean moved forward, slowly so as not to startle the angel. “You’re coming back with us, Cas. Let’s go.”

“Why?” Cas snarled, head snapping up so he could glare at Dean. “Because you value me and my opinion _so_ _much_?”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You go and make a deal like that and you don’t tell me!”

“I was in solitary lock-up, Cas!” Dean argued, raising his voice just a little. “How was I supposed to tell you anything?”

“You could’ve told me the minute we found you.” Cas rose to his feet, stepping forward so he was in Dean’s space, like usual. “Or better yet, you could have not made such a _stupid_ deal in the first place.”

“It was the only way outta there, Cas.” Dean’s voice had softened. “We weren’t alive in there, man. At least this way one of us...”

“You mean Sam.”

Dean glared at the angel, but conceded the point; Cas was right, anyway. “Fine. At least this way, _Sam_ would have been able to keep fighting. We were both worse than dead in there, man. At least he’d have been alive, _actually_ alive.”

“And what about me?”

“What?”

“What about your mother? Or Jody? Or all your other friends, all the people who need you!” Cas knew his voice was rising but he couldn’t stop it; the emotions he’d once been so alien to were overpowering rationality right now. “How could you make a deal like that without _telling_ me!”

“Cas, I...”

“You could have told me, Dean. You could have prayed to me.”

Dean looked down. He knew that. He would have, but what would have been the point? Cas couldn’t reply to him that way and he didn’t know where he was to ask for help. If he’d tried praying, all he'd have done was worry his friend.  

He didn’t feel like trying to argue the point, though.

While Dean was still incredibly pissed at Cas for the whole killing Billie and invoking cosmic consequences thing, the anger was dying a little more every time he dared to meet the angel’s eyes. There was anger there, it was true, but it paled in comparison to the blatant _hurt_.

His own anger would have to take a backseat. He needed to get Cas to come back to car and they were working in a timefame here. It was fairly obvious that Cas wasn’t going anywhere in this state, so they’d just need to have it out here and now, so they could get back to Mary’s car and get the hell out of here.

Dean swallowed his still substantial rage and forced himself to meet the angel’s eyes, holding the pained gaze.

“Cas … look, I get it, alright? I’m sorry.” He held up a hand to stop the angel’s protests before they started. “No, I mean it, I … I know I could’ve prayed to you. But seriously, man, I didn’t have anything to say.”

“No. You never do.”

Dean frowned, unsure how to reply. Where had that come from? Cas sounded so … sad.

“What do you mean by that?”

“It doesn’t matter, Dean.”

“Yeah, it does.” Dean swallowed but reached out, slightly hesitantly, to place one hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Cas, what are you talking about? Cause I gotta say, buddy, I like to think my conversation’s usually a hell of a lot better when I’ve not been stuck in the same damn cell for six weeks straight.”

It sent a rush of something warm and kind of unfamiliar through his chest when that almost pulled a smile to the angel’s face.

“Your conversation is fine. When you’re not using it to make deals with reapers.” Cas sighed, and sat back down on the log.

Dean wanted to argue with him but he’d only be repeating what he’d already said. Besides, the anger in Castiel seemed to be dying down now. It had been replaced with a sadness that was heavy enough it seemed to be almost physically weighing him down, and Dean didn’t like it.

Ignoring the cold, damp wood underneath him - and hoping to high heaven that it wasn’t as rotten as it felt, he didn’t want it to crumble beneath him - Dean sat next to the angel, waiting for him to speak.

Whatever was going on with Cas suddenly seemed to go deeper than just being pissed at him for the deal with Billie, and that meant he had to find out what the problem was. He figured Sam and his mom could wait a few more minutes; they’d let him know if they ran into any more trouble while they were waiting.

He knew they wouldn’t leave without him, and he wouldn’t leave without Cas.

Dean waited a few moments, but Cas didn’t say anything. The hunter quickly grew impatient.

“C’mon, buddy. Talk to me.”

Cas glanced at him but then looked down at the ground, and his voice was quiet when he answered. “What if we hadn’t found you? Dean, I searched for you. For six weeks, I … I tried my best, but it wasn’t enough.”

“Cas, listen...”

“No! If we hadn’t had help from the Men of Letters, we wouldn’t have found you in time” the angel argued, looking back to his friend and holding the conflicted gaze. “They wouldn’t have come if not for Mary. I tried to find you, and Sam, for six weeks. And it didn’t help.”

“You did your best” Dean said quietly, not entirely sure what to say. “That place we were in, it wasn’t supposed to exist.”

Cas ignored him. “Dean, if I hadn’t had help from your mother and Mick, I wouldn’t have found you. You’d have _died_ , and I wouldn’t have said goodbye.”

“C’mon, Cas, when do we ever say goodbye?” Dean murmured, attempting to keep his voice light and teasing but failing. The words were laced with truth instead of the humour he’d tried for. “We just always come back.”

“You wouldn’t have come back this time.”

“No.”

Cas didn’t reply; there wasn’t anything more he could say. Besides, Dean got it.

A part of the hunter was still pissed beyond all reason - ‘cosmic consequences’ wasn’t just going to go away, and Castiel had had no right to take the choice away from him. Yet the angel was right; Dean wouldn’t have come back this time. Billie had been one hundred percent serious about making sure they never returned to life again.

And then Cas had saved him, saved his mother, without being asked to. Whatever those consequences were, they’d be on him and he knew it, but he’d killed the reaper anyway.

The angel’s devotion to him and his family was something Dean was vaguely aware of, but not something he liked to dwell on. This time, though, it was hard to ignore it. Cas had saved them yet again, even after he’d been caught off guard by the deal they’d made.

The more Dean thought about it, the guiltier he felt. Alright, so Cas had made one hell of a reckless decision back there - but Dean could have told him about the deal. He could have prayed to the angel, or told him sooner. He shouldn’t have had to find out about it when Billie actually came to take Dean’s soul.

Dean swallowed hard. The two of them would have to have a little talk about reckless behaviour and possibly invoking the wrath of the reapers and cosmic consequences later, but for now he would let it go.

Before he could ask Cas to think about all that, he would need to apologise for putting the angel in that position in the first place.

The hunter sighed - this was about to turn into a chick flick moment, he could feel it. He didn’t chicken out, though.

Reaching out one arm - slowly, so Cas could pull away easily if he wanted to - Dean brought his friend into a loose, one-armed hug. The angel tensed at first, uncertain, and he could feel the rigidity in his friend, but at least the angel didn’t shrug him off.

“Listen, buddy. Not that I’m not kinda pissed about what happened back there, but … I am sorry.” He deliberately tightened the arm around the angel’s shoulders. “You’re right. I should’ve … I should’ve told you the second you found us.”

“Did you even consider that I might have an opinion on that deal?” Cas whispered, sounding just like he had when he’d given his little speech to the three Winchesters, hurt and like he was about to cry. “Did you even think about that fact that I’d...”

Dean wanted to reply - part of him wanted to outright argue, because he’d been kind of preoccupied at the time - but he held his tongue, determined to let the angel get this off his chest so they could head back to the bunker.

“Go on” he said quietly.

Cas looked at him with a sad expression, defeat replacing rage. “Did you stop to think for one minute that I’d be the one left behind? _Again_. I’d be the one who’d have to live every day knowing that you didn’t even say goodbye. I’d be the one who’d have to take care of Sam, and your mother.” The angel looked away, eyes closing tiredly. “I’m tired of trying to be strong when you disappear, Dean. It’s not worth it if you don’t even care about me enough to say goodbye before you die.”

Dean’s eyes closed in internal agony, feeling the all too familiar rush of searing guilt engulf him from his soul outwards.

He hadn’t thought about saying goodbye to Cas, but then he hadn’t really thought about anything beyond escaping. It was all that mattered, making sure that at the very least, he got his brother out of that place.

Cas was right, though. He deserved better. After all that the two of them had been through, if Dean was going to make a goddamned deal with a reaper and die - really, _truly_ die this time - then he owed Castiel an actual goodbye.

He’d said it once before, back when he’d gone off to the last stand against the Darkness. He’d thanked the angel for everything, hugged him, and bequeathed to him his most important mission, to protect Sam.

Cas had accepted the goodbye then, but Dean had known at the time that it wasn’t enough. If it had just been the two of them he might have said more to the angel, but they’d had a rather impressive audience at the time. Sam and Crowley were there, along with Rowena and Chuck. It wasn’t the time to say anything more.

That didn’t make it okay, though.

Dean shifted slightly, his arm tightening around his friend’s shoulders, and he pulled Cas a bit closer. The angel didn’t resist but he didn’t make any attempt to settle in against Dean.

“I’m sorry, Cas” Dean whispered, unable to look up from the forest floor. “Seriously. I’m _sorry_.”

“Dean...”

“I know that doesn’t … I know it doesn’t change anything, buddy. But I am.” He forced himself to look his friend in the eye, ignoring the closeness. “You’re right. You deserve better from me. But Cas, listen to me here. I just … didn’t think. I was just trying to get Sam out of there, man. I was thinking about anything else.”

Cas didn’t reply. His eyes were closed and he was incredibly tense.

“I know that’s a crappy excuse” the hunter said. “I should’ve told you.”

“Yes, you should have.”

“You’re wrong as well, though.” Dean didn’t continue until Cas looked at him. “About me not caring about you. I know I don’t … y’know, _show_ it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Cas. I do.”

The angel looked away again without replying.

“C’mon, Cas, look at me.”

“I don’t want to, Dean.” Cas shuddered slightly, and this was the only indication Dean got that the angel was crying. “I meant what I said. I’m _tired_ of being strong. And I know you … care. But it doesn’t change the fact that you … you don’t even think of me when you so willingly give up your life.”

“Cas, listen...”

“I’d think of you, Dean.”

The angel looked up and Dean’s breath caught in his throat. There were tear tracks on his face and his eyes were watery. Dean tried not to notice that his friend’s lip was trembling or that Cas looked incredibly weary, but he saw it clearly.

“Dean, if I was going to make a deal like that, you’d be the first person I would tell.”

“I know.” The hunter took a deep breath. “I owed you the same, Cas. I’m sorry. But honestly, man? You don’t get to tell me I don’t care about you. Maybe I’m not as good at this whole thing as you are, but I … I still care.”

Cas sniffed and opened his mouth as if was going to respond, but snapped it shut with a watery gasp. Dean’s heart clenched in his chest as he realised that Cas had been going to speak but decided not to out of fear that he’d sob instead.

Dean reacted before he’d thought his actions through; he reached out and pulled the angel into his arms properly. Cas tensed instantly, but Dean just tightened his grip in response, and his friend’s breath hitched. Cas relaxed a little in his arms, not reaching out for him but not pulling away; the hunter considered it a small victory.

“Cas, I’m sorry I screwed up here. But you can’t tell me that I don’t care about you. You’re the only person in the world I care about as much as Sam and my mom.”

“Then why, Dean?” Cas whispered against the hunter’s collarbone.

“Because I’m terrible at all this … this … open and honest stuff, buddy” Dean said quietly. “I didn’t tell you about the deal, but I didn’t tell Mom, either. I should’ve told you both. I just didn’t think.” He stroked his hand up and down the angel’s back. “Doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

Cas didn’t say anything but he nodded once, sighing gently. Dean wanted to press the issue further, but he knew that the angel’s silence was a move in the right direction.

The two sat in silence for a few moments, Cas gradually relaxing against the hunter. Dean was all too aware that time was ticking on and his mother and brother were waiting for them, but he forced himself not to rush this. It had been a long time since he’d seen Castiel this vulnerable, and forcing the angel to move before he was ready seemed cruel.

Perhaps a full two or three minutes had gone by before Cas wound his arms around the hunter’s waist, clinging onto his friend and hiding his face against Dean’s chest to disguise the fact that silent tears were still making their way down his face.  

Dean hesitated only a little before raising one hand and resting it at the base of his friend’s neck, letting the other continue to rub soothing circles on his back. A lump formed in his throat as he realised that although Cas was silent, he was crying hard enough to make his shoulders quake.

“I’m so sorry, Cas” he whispered. “Not just for tonight. I’m sorry that I don’t make it … obvious, more often. That I give a damn about you.”

“I know, Dean. I’m sorry, too” the angel murmured. “I didn’t mean to … attack you like that.”

“It’s alright, Cas. You’re allowed to call me out on my bullshit.”

“Maybe I should do it more often.”

Dean let the smile come, hoping Cas could feel it against the side of his head. “Any time.”

The atmosphere had lightened a little now, and Cas had relaxed in his arms. Ever conscious of the possibility of backup feds arriving, Dean took a chance and rubbed his friend’s back in more light-hearted manner.

“You alright there, buddy?”

“I’m fine, Dean. I’m just…”

“Tired of the bullshit” Dean finished for him, leaning back so he could look his friend in the eye but still keeping one arm around him. “That’s okay, man. I deserve it.”

Cas smiled slightly; it was a shaky smile but a genuine one.

“You ready to go home?” Dean said gently, trying to make it obvious that he wasn’t pressuring Cas to agree. “Mom and Sam are waiting for us.”

Cas glanced down but he nodded.

“You sure, buddy? We don’t have to go yet if you don’t want to.”

“No. No, I’m ready, Dean. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, Cas” Dean muttered, trying to keep the prominent self-loathing out of his voice as much as possible. He reached out and let his free hand rest on his friend’s cheek, a gesture he had never used with Cas except for two occasions where he’d come so, so close to losing him forever. “You deserved better.”

“So did you” the angel said quietly, and Dean had no idea how to respond to that.

The hunter elected to remain silent, just nodding and letting his hand fall away from the angel’s face. He got to his feet - ignoring his knees protesting and the uncomfortable dampness the log had left in his jeans - and reached one hand out to his friend. Cas took it, and he pulled the angel to his feet.

Dean sized his friend up, making sure that Castiel was okay before taking him back to Sam, who’d send him concerned glances the whole drive back, and Mary, who’d stare at him like he was a puzzle to work out.

He didn’t really expect the angel to notice.

“Dean, it’s fine. I’m okay” he said reassuringly. He squeezed Dean’s hand, and the hunter realised that he hadn’t let go yet. “Let’s head back.”

“Yeah.”

Dean glanced down at their joined hands, his right in the angel’s left. He noticed that Cas was doing the same thing, and when he looked up the angel did the same. The blue eyes he knew so well were slightly red from the tears but they weren’t watery any more. When they met Dean’s, however, they were nervous.

The hunter could understand that. He didn’t exactly have the best track record with this sort of stuff, and Cas knew that as well as anyone did. The angel was understandably wary of his reaction.

But he’d given Cas a nasty surprise earlier; it was time to give him a pleasant one.

So Dean just smiled at his friend, squeezed his fingers reassuringly, and began to walk back to his mother’s car. He pulled Cas along with him, their hands clasped between them as they walked.

They hadn’t gone far into the forest, so the walk back was short, and the angel hesitated when the car came into view.

Dean paused for a second, too. Were Sam and his mom in the car or waiting outside it? What would they think of him holding an angel’s hand? Would they even notice?

Dean didn’t know the answer to those questions, but he did know the answer to the only one that mattered: did he give a damn? The answer had to be no. No he did not.

The hunter gave a calm smile to his companion and moved forward to the car, not releasing the angel’s hand. He caught the slightly nervous but genuine smile Cas tried to hide, and stroked his thumb over the other’s knuckles to convey things he wasn’t sure how to verbalise. He wasn’t even sure what those things were or what they might mean, but right now it didn’t matter.

He had his angel, and his mother and brother, and that was all that mattered.

The two let go of one another when they came to car so they could each open their respective doors, and Dean didn’t miss the fact that Sam and Mary were giving them both strange looks. They _had_ noticed. He’d already decided not to care about it, though.

“Let’s go home” he said, speaking to his mother in the driver’s seat but looking at Cas.

Nobody replied, but Mary started the car and they pulled away from the forest, at a speed that had to be nearly twice the legal limit.

The ride was silent, but after a few minutes Dean glanced over at the angel and noticed that now they were in a confined space with Sam and Mary, Cas looked uncomfortable again.

Dean reached across the space between them and took the angel’s hand in his. Cas shot him a grateful look, and his fingers squeezed Dean’s in response. The hunter smiled at him to let him know that this was okay, and he turned back to staring out the window.

It was a long drive back to the bunker, and silent the whole time, but the two held onto each other for the entire drive. And despite the tense atmosphere that still lingered, Dean thought that he hadn’t been this comfortable in a long time.


End file.
